Tenchi Tells of Valentines
by Tenchi -J. Hahn
Summary: Ryoko and Ayeka are trying to puzzle out Earth's most romantic day.


With a few modifications, this story was posted in serial form in the Yahoo Group, Sailor Moon Super Party. With apologies to History Channel.com, which really does run a nice site ^_^  
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*Tenchi is doing some homework in his room when there's a sharp knocking at his door.*  
  
Tenchi: "Huh? Come in!"  
  
*The door slides open and Ryoko and Ayeka enter.*  
  
Ayeka: "Pardon our intrusion, Lord Tenchi, but we were wondering about this holiday we've been hearing so much about!"  
  
*Ryoko glomps him*  
  
Ryoko: "Oh, Tenchi! It sounds so romantic!"  
  
Ayeka: "Hey, you! Remove yourself from Tenchi immediately!"  
  
Tenchi: "Ryoko! Will ... you ... get ... OFF ME!"  
  
*He struggles free.*  
  
Ayeka: "As I was saying before that short outbreak of immature lust, could you please explain to us this, `Valentine's Day'?"  
  
Ryoko: "Yeah! Do you know where it came from?"  
  
Tenchi: "Well, it's connected to a feast day of the Catholic church, but I don't know much more than that. I suppose I could go online and look it up."  
  
*Tenchi starts working his computer while the girls pull up chairs and sit very close to either side of him.*  
  
Ayeka: "Oh, my Tenchi! You're so skilled searching out things on your terminal!"  
  
Ryoko: "Hey, Ayeka! you got a little something on your nose, there!"  
  
Ayeka: "Oh, hush!"  
  
Tenchi: "This is from History Channel." ::Reading::  
"Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and why do we celebrate this holiday?"  
  
Ryoko: "Hey! If they don't know, then why are we asking them?"  
  
Ayeka: "It's a rhetorical question, Ryoko!"  
  
Ryoko: "oh."  
  
Tenchi [reading]: "Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred."  
  
Ryoko: "Huh?"  
  
Ayeka: "Martyred. That means they gave their lives for their faith. It's a high honor."  
  
Ryoko: "I'm sure the worms are impressed!"  
  
Tenchi: "Ryoko! You're spoiling the mood!"  
  
*Ayeka gives her a `told you so' huff.*  
  
Tenchi [reading]: "One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men ---"  
  
Ryoko: "Gosh, without women, where did all those lusty young men turn?"  
  
Ayeka: "He didn't say ..."  
  
Ryoko: "All those buff athletic bodies ..."  
  
Ayeka : "No, you weren't listening!"  
  
Ryoko: "Heaving breastplates! Those skimpy little skirts!"  
  
Tenchi: "Oye!"  
  
Ryoko: "Maybe Rome didn't so much fall! Maybe it got down on its hands and knees and ..."  
  
Tenchi: "RYOKO!"  
  
Ayeka: "Tenchi, what is she talking about???"  
  
Tenchi: "Don't ask!"  
  
Ryoko [laughing]: "DON'T TELL!!"  
  
Tenchi [sighing then reading again]: "Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death."  
  
Ryoko: "Saw that coming!"  
  
Tenchi [reading]: "According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement."  
  
Ryoko: "Conjugal?"  
  
Ayeka: "Ryoko, how is it that all the big words you know are sexually related?"  
  
Ryoko: "I had to start somewhere! It seemed the most fun!"  
  
Ayeka: "You're incorrigible! But tell me, why is this celebrated now?"  
  
Tenchi: `Well, the early Catholic Church used to take popular festivals it frowned upon and convert them, the same way it would convert non-believers. I think ... here: " ::reading:: "Lupercalia, which began at the ides of February, February 15, was a fertility festival ..."  
  
Ryoko: "Now you're talking!"  
  
Tenchi [reading]: "...dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture, as well as to the Roman founders Romulus and Remus. To begin the festival, members of the Luperci, an order of Roman priests, would gather at the sacred cave where the infants Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome, were believed to have been cared for by a she-wolf or lupa."  
  
Ryoko: "Hey! Come on! Get to the fertility part!"  
  
Ayeka: "Yes!" ::Tenchi gives her a sharp look:: "I mean, how fascinating!"  
  
Tenchi [reading]: "The priests would then sacrifice a goat, for fertility, and a dog, for purification."  
  
Ayeka: "Ewww!"  
  
Ryoko: "Sucks to be Fido!"  
  
Tenchi [reading]: "The boys then sliced the goat's hide into strips, dipped them in the sacrificial blood and took to the streets, gently slapping both women and fields of crops with the goathide strips. Far from being fearful, Roman women welcomed being touched with the hides because it was believed the strips would make them more fertile in the coming year."  
  
*The two girls sit in stunned silence a moment*  
  
Ryoko: "Looks like some traditions kinda got lost over time."  
  
Ayeka: "Not that we're complaining, mind you!"  
  
Ryoko: "Nooo, we definitely aren't complaining! This is some weird planet, you know that?"  
  
Tenchi [reading]: "Later in the day, according to legend, all the young women in the city would place their names in a big urn. The city's bachelors would then each choose a name out of the urn and become paired for the year with his chosen woman."  
  
Ayeka: "URN! *cough* I mean, do you suppose we could dig up an urn someplace?"  
  
Tenchi [reading quickly]: "The Roman 'lottery' system for romantic pairing was deemed un-Christian and outlawed."  
  
Ryoko: "Nice moves, cowboy! Haven't lost your touch for last minute escapes! So, that's Valentines, huh?"  
  
Tenchi [reading]: "In addition to the United States, Valentine's Day is celebrated in Canada, Mexico, the United Kingdom, France, and Australia."  
  
Ryoko: "Wait a minute! Why isn't Japan listed? It's celebrated here, too, ya know!"  
  
Ayeka: "She's right, Lord Tenchi. I believe your source has an error!"  
  
*Tenchi hits some keys and jumps to a new site.*  
  
Tenchi: "Sorry, but here it's just a LITTLE more civilized!" ::Reading again:: "But in Japan, St. Valentine's Day is slightly different: The only ones doing the giving are females, and they usually send a gift of chocolates to their love interests."  
  
Ryoko: "Wha-aaat??"  
  
Ayeka: "Uh, excuse me? Only females?"  
  
Tenchi: "Yup! That's right!"  
  
Ayeka: "Oh, dear!"  
  
Tenchi: "Oh, the guys return the favor a month later. It's called White Day, March 14th! A little token box of chocolates. But ONLY to those girls who gave chocolate in February! It's all there on the website!"  
  
Ryoko: "But I haven't got any ... I mean ..."  
  
Ayeka: "Now, how am I suppose to ...? Oh! Oh! Oh! What does it all mean?"  
  
Tenchi [smugly]: "It means, for once, Tenchi gets lucky!"  
  
*He wanders out of the room, whistling, while the two have-no-money-to-buy-chocolate girls sit, arms crossed and fuming*  
  
Ryoko: "One day, his definition of "Get Lucky!' is gonna change! Then we'll be the one's whistling!"  
  
Ayeka: "I couldn't agree more. Well, I'd better go help out in the kitchen."  
  
*Ryoko sits awhile longer, mulling it all over.*  
  
Ryoko [the light comes on]: "Waitaminute! Kitchen! Chocolate! THAT BITCH!"  
  
~F~I~N~I~S~ 


End file.
